Do you remember when you were a child and all you wanted to do was just be you? Your outlook on life and its meaning was simple. Loving yourself was a given and effort was not required to do so.
I find myself constantly working to be a better version of myself, but who even is she? Why can I not be whomever I want to be? Over winter break, my friend asked me a simple question. “Are you happy?” I thought about it for a little bit and realized that, although it is a “yes” or “no” question, I could not answer it with one word. Instead, I said that I feel as though I am always working toward being happy, but I never reach it. As we grow older, our happiness stems from becoming something, from working toward our ideal lives, from being surrounded by ideal people.
What are we trying to become though? Who I am, right at this moment, is enough because regardless of the successes I have, the titles I have, the degrees I have, the people I have, I will always be Natasha. I will always have to be comfortable with being myself and having myself. I cannot escape that and I should not want to escape it.
About 1.5 months ago, I was sitting across from a friend at a coffee shop, and I told him that I feel as though I do not have anyone and he said something that has stuck with me throughout this time. “You have yourself.” This is a concept that is so simple, but I (and I feel as though most others) often forget.
As an extrovert, I struggle with being alone. I love people and I invest so much of myself into others. I invest so much of my soul into others. I do not mind doing so, but difficulty exists in not losing myself in the process. During moments in which being alone is especially hard for me, I remind myself that I have myself. It is liberating. I feel so happy when I think about this. The one person who has always understood me is me, and I should appreciate myself more.
I was watching a YouTube video the other day, and this YouTuber was reflecting on her life the day before her wedding day. She played a clip from a home video of her childhood, and in it, her dad asks her five year old self what she would tell herself if she were watching the video at a later point in her life. She said, “I love you.”
I think little Natasha would be proud of where I am now. I am proud of who I am and where I am. I feel so much pain when I think of the people who do not appreciate my worth or what I have to offer, but I know that others do, and even if they did not, I do. That is all that matters.
So many complexities exist, but being happy with yourself should not fall into that category. It is simple. You are not you if you are constantly trying to be something more or better. Trust yourself enough to lead you in the right direction. You have the power to remind yourself of who you are and your successes will not mean anything to you if you lose yourself in the process.
Natasha, you have yourself. Your career will fall into place, the people in your life will fall into place, and you’ll fall into place. Ultimately, the one thing you’ll always be able to give yourself is love. Sounds like a pretty great deal.